Just Keep Fighting

This is the third post in a continuation to tell my story. After I finish these first few posts, I will be discussing more topics that are general to depression and chronic pain. Please leave a comment, I’d love to talk to you!

I left my last post in 2013, my depression had lessened a bit and I had my back pain somewhat under control. I was really enjoying my new found hope and busy lifestyle. I hadn’t felt that good in years! Then, Evan decided to join the Army. He did it very fast and I fully supported him. At the time we were just dating and we decided to see how things went while he was gone. Just a week after he left, my Grandma was diagnosed with late stage cancer.

My Grandma was my everything. She practically raised me, she was my best friend and the person I was closest to in the world. I had relied on her so much throughout my life. I was crushed. And I didn’t have the support in Evan that I was used to. I became her primary care taker. Hospital visits. Chemo sessions. Running her household. My life revolved around her and trying to keep her comfortable. I was also spending as much time with her as I could. Her prognosis was not good. After chemo, she got a bit better. We had hope. So much hope. About 7 months had gone by. I had visited Evan and he proposed. We got married that same day. It was now time for him to come home and we were off to Hawaii– his first duty station. Again I felt guilty, I didn’t want to leave her, but I also could not put off my own life anymore. Not long after we moved, she got worse. She deteriorated quickly and passed away 4 months later.

I was on my way home for a visit the very next day. I missed her by less than 24 hours. She was gone. She is gone. And ever since I have battled the deepest darkest depression of my entire life. This is anything but situational. It has been 2 years of misery. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel guilt that I wasn’t there for my Grandma. My back pain got worse. My hip fell apart and I had surgery. I have struggled with motivation, fatigue and hopelessness. I have been on this emotional roller-coaster that I simply cannot control.

And I would give anything to get off this ride.

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