Restless Nights

I wasn’t going to post today. I have a ton of finals this week plus some very long work days. It’s Monday and I’m already exhausted. But I’m laying here wishing for sleep to come and it’s not. I feel like writing.

A side effect of both chronic pain and depression is insomnia. Let me tell you. It’s a bitch. There have been so many times where I say both good night and good morning to my husband as I haven’t slept at all. So many evenings that I pray for Mr. Sandman to do his job. So many mornings I watch the sun rise.

I think that people take for granted the normalcy in their lives. The idea that you work hard all day, get everything accomplished, and get a good night’s rest. It seems so trivial. Something that nobody really thinks about. But once you lose the capability to be “normal” it is ALL you think about. It’s humbling.

I saw this quote once.. it said “Nobody knows how important their health is until they lose it”. I relate to that so much. I know people have it worse off than me, but when it’s 4 am and my nerves are tingling from my back to my toes and all I can do is think about the radiating pain and how in the hell I am going to get through my 10 hour work day, it’s hard. It’s sad. And it’s incredibly difficult to stay positive.

I’m laying here now, with my heating pad cranked all the way up and the swelling in my joints feels like knives. I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. This pain is as much psychological as it is physical. That’s why so many people with chronic pain develop depression. Your mind and your body are both constantly exhausted.

All I wanna do is give up and recoil into my sad dark bubble.

But tomorrow I’m gonna get up and I’m gonna go to school and I’m going to prepare for another long work day. I have to. I have to try.

If you know someone that struggles with chronic pain, please love them. This is so hard, and I wish that I could cure every single person who lives through this. Nobody should live in pain. We all deserve to be happy.

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