For someone like me, dealing with the combination of depression and chronic pain, hope can be a scary thing. I have so many mixed feelings when it comes to this word. Sometimes, hope is the only thing keeping me going. The idea that all of this will be behind me one day and I will be “normal”. On other days though, the thought of hope crushes me. The thought that these hopes of mine will never happen can send me into a downward spiral.
Right now, I am visiting my sister. She found a new chiropractor that really seemed to know his stuff. So I made an appointment. Tomorrow will be my third visit with him. He put me in two back braces and is teaching me new exercises and stretches.
And dammit, it seems to be helping.
This makes me so happy. It fills me with thoughts of playing sports, working full time, and living my life with little to no pain. I can’t tell you how insane of an idea this is to me. I don’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain. So the fact that this chiropractor seems to be helping me, and seems to believe that I can eliminate a lot of this is almost blissful.
But what if it doesn’t work?
What if this doesn’t do anything for me, and I’m stuck right back where I was. What if I lose all of this progress I seem to be making? What if this never gets any better?
That is why hope is so terrifying for me. I don’t want to lose hope, I don’t want to lose whatever positive attitude I have left in me. But on the other hand, having my hope crushed yet again puts me further into depression.
I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I knew that I was gonna be okay. Or even if I’m not gonna be okay. Either way, at least I would know. I wouldn’t have to wonder or deal with this double edged sword that hope seems to be.
So for now, I take it one day at a time and work my ass off to be okay. Here’s to hoping.